I discovered the Caruso SalonPro Molecular Steam Setter while dedicating countless hours to cruising Amazon perfectly masterminding my wish list. Only a wet to dry curl set will hold shape in my fine, limp tassels. Curling irons, hot rollers, etc. only give me a couple hours at best. In case you’ve never had one, curl sets take forever, even with the big dryer machine. Caruso ‘Molecular’ Steam Rollers are supposed to use steam to gather hot moisture on a foam roller to much much more quickly garner the effects of a wet to dry set.

Two years they sat on that Amazon list before someone finally clicked them to my door. I read all the instructions and recommendations, which are nicely extensive. 18 styles are depicted with black and white illustrations and instructions on creating the look. It kind of transported me back to a pre-FDA time I never knew where women eagerly mail-ordered beauty products promising miracles from catalogs. They waited on their prairie until the post rolled up and, evading teasing eyes, ran their brown paper wrapped parcel into the attic to review the instructions. The Caruso did not cause any rashes, hair loss, or speech impediments, but it did cause ugly hair.

Three of the techniques with three setting products I tried. I tried the included roller shields and my own clips. I tried letting them stay on for an hour or so (10-15 minutes is what they call for). One decent curl on one strand is what I got out of three sets of a whole head of curlers. I have no idea what brought about that one curl and how it differed from all the others, but it doesn’t even matter since that curl only lasted an hour or so anyway.

This review of the Caruso SalonPro Molecular Steam Setter concludes that it is dumb. It makes hair negative of pretty, plus SalonPro looks stupid as a compound word.

A couple of years ago a model on a Miami Beach set really wanted to let everyone know just how fancy pantsy she was. The form this took was to tell me, and whoever else cared to listen, about the crazy hip hop parties she’d had the privy to attend as an under-age model let loose in a city known for it’s lack of clothing and curfews. She particularly emphasized all the hooking-up amongst the models and rappers and such. At one point, the photographer interjected hopefully with, ‘But not Jay-Z!?’ The model widened her eyes and nodded ‘Ah-Hanh. Oooh yeah.’

I kind of hate that I remember being a model at her age and also having all kinds of pre-programmed hearsay in my head from whoever I was currently trying to make sense of reality from. Not that it’s necessarily not true. What do I know? I’m just saying that unless she herself did some kind of nasty with the man himself, it wasn’t really cool of her to go around a fashion set proclaiming truths about. I know, I know! Isn’t that just the kind of slip we all so easily make?

Click to the next chapter and I’m spouting all kinds of criticisms on parenting. From some kind of nonsense that birth pain can be mitigated with relaxation tapes, to tantrums are caused by too much sugar and television. Yesterday I told my daughter that all I wanted to do was enrich her life by taking her to the fucking zoo, and that she was a spoiled brat, and that if she didn’t chill out I was going to have to explain to her what the trafficking industry was all about.

So as I relaxed and took inventory of the day’s wrongs, I thought of that model. I thought of her because we are so full of hot air! We never, ever know until we’re there, or past even. I’ve written that before, but it just never ends at that. And honestly, while I’m sure they exist, I have yet to meet a person who didn’t have some strong sentiments about something they couldn’t possibly have the perspective to truly grasp.

But hot air looks it’s best when blowing out of the hair dryer, with most other ventings just plain ugly. And all the night creams and lip plumpers in Henri Bendel can’t beat out that kind of ugly.  However, unlike dark eye circles, heavy lids, thin lips, and undefined cheekbones, that kind of ugly can magically disappear, and it’s never too late to try to figure out (or get a refresher on) how to use our magic fairy dust.

When I first started using email, in the age of dial-up and creepy chat rooms, I didn’t know the difference between ‘reply’ and ‘reply all’. Of course I couldn’t be bothered to find out, so just willy-nilly picked one or the other figuring somehow that the averaging-out would result in the correct use. Like mixing colors or spices. What kinds of madness I sent to whom in that time period, I have no idea. On one occasion involving a derogatory stream of consciousness I thought I pressed ‘save’, when actually I pressed ‘save and send’. That one really sucked.

Of course we’ve all hit the ‘reply all’ by accident. Or woken up to read a drunken slur on facebook that, although can be deleted, has been seen by many and may even still be lurking in some notification emails. But for how long do we feel like shit about it, and more importantly, does anyone really care?

I clearly excel at this kind of embarrassment. As of late I’ve toyed with squashing some of my particularly cringe-worthy moments by apologizing (or expressing something somewhat similar to regret) to whomever I felt required it. What I discovered? No one really gives a shit! You may remember some stuff that particularly related to you in a given event, and another remembers something entirely different. Often people won’t even remember what you said/did. They’re too busy worrying about themselves.

I can’t even remember what all those vaginas that went flashing around Hollywood a few years ago looked like (a blur of plucked chickens?).  Or whom they belonged to. Was it Lindsey? Paris? Oh right, I don’t care.

Obviously not all offenses can magically disappear, but before losing too much beauty sleep over a potential persecution, remember that you too can be forgettable.

So I’m just not that into Halloween this year. Hence the lack of posts. People ask me what my one year old is going to be for Halloween and I say, ‘Sleeping’. I was going to hit up the Odd Future show at The Fillmore, but now that the sitter’s canceled it looks like a Hulu night. I hope there’s a good Hoarders I haven’t seen.

Seems like for kids it’s more about events these days. Least around these parts. Only one kid’s knocked on my door in the last 5 years. They’re all at these ‘spooktackular’ ‘boo bashes’. I envisioned finger quotes there for no good reason at all, except that I’ll be home.

Looking though my Halloween makeup tips from a previous year, I’m pretty impressed. Not sure I have a lot to add to that except that spirit gum is the best sticky substance choice for your prosthetics and gauzes and the like. You’ll find it at all the costume places.

If you’re panicked to get something together last minute, these Halloween looks for the office may help you out. And of course, you have to add Charlie Sheen to the list. Take it a step up by crusting a little baking soda around a nostril.

For those more industrious revelers, check out my personal favorite- really gross Halloween costume ideas. This year’s addition? I’m thinking the litter box. Such a great DIY opportunity, I don’t want to squelch any creativity and provide suggestions, except that a (stuffed) cat stuck on somewhere would be a great touch.

If you’re hosting this year, please use this baby doll dip bowl idea. It’s kind of special.

Happy Halloween 2011!

Winning! How can we resist revisiting the best pop culture icon dissent of the year? Although lacking the easy fun of last year’s Kate Gosselin wig, the Charlie Sheen costume can include goddesses and accessories like hats, sunglasses, and hair plugs.

Mad Men inspired costumes are also on the top costumes 2011 list, which is awesome because I know many of you have been waiting for an opportunity to test drive one of those pointy-shaped cone bras.

While I can’t condone it (those poor girls!), dressing as a Toddlers and Tiaras character is expected to be a popular costume choice. Don’t forget to put Vaseline on your teeth so they sparkle! Gross.

Zombies are expected to make a strong showing, while sparkle-in-the-sunlight vampires are on the way out. Adios, twinkle toes. Zombies are fun because they can be scary or slutty. Or my favorite, scary slutty.

Anything Apple! This is a great cardboard opportunity. From i-phones to vintage desktops, a homage to Steve Jobs is a solid Halloween 2011 choice.