What does one want to get out of it anyway? A convert? Is there some rush of adrenaline when someone is finally convinced that, yes, yes, yes, that’s it! What if that person agrees the whole time for the sake of nicety? Is that conversation worse or better than one with someone who’s reluctant to believe? Is it that there is some do-gooder reward? A pat on the back and a high-five for getting someone to finally see the error of their ways and get them on the right track?

Ya see, the thing is that vehement, ardent lectures drive wedges between people.  Who is right or wrong is not even relevant to the outcome if the outcome is to have a friend, lover, or even someone just to like you. If you tend to feel that a particular issue must be understood, practiced, and continued to be proselytized by the recipient of your lectures, than you must not care about your relationship with said person all that much.

Evaluate this concept and I promise that you’ll be prettier.

Chill out, sugar tits! If not for your health alone, do it for your looks because if you’re going through a time like described above you’re probably eye-puffed, skin-imbalanced, too fat or too skinny for yourself, and possibly sporting that caged, crazy-eyes look (totally me at my wedding). Everything’s going to turn out one way or the other regardless of whether you dedicate your wrinkles to worrying about it or not. Your world is your perception of it, nothing more and nothing less.

Personally, I constantly feel like I need to be doing more more more. Not that I’m some go-getter. Hardly! But I seem to think I need to be in order to be a valuable person, and that’s a stressful combo pack. Obviously the answer to a lot of stress is to just be cool with yourself and think less, but you can’t even begin to organize that mess if you’re too busy worrying about stupid, everyday BS.

Some de-stressing tips to help the inner beauty shine:

-Exercise. Isn’t it incredible how your mind likes how it feels after exercising, but doesn’t admit it the next time? So sneaky. When I feel like I can’t fathom getting off my ass, I try to make a much lesser goal like a short bike ride or pool dip, or even just a few lunges in front of another episode of Breaking Bad.

-Yoga time USA! This is always recommended for stress because you get the body moving in really right ways, and then you chill out to tranquil music in the dark. Plus, if you feel like the work out is too hard, you can always just lay there for a while. No one cares!

-Think about what would be the real consequences of what you’re worried about. You fail a test. Ok, so what would really happen? Can you do an extra project, get a tutor for the next one (cute nerdy type)? You fail the class? Ok, so what? You take it again or drop it from your transcript? You might be out some cash or time, but are you maimed and left for dead? Now that would be something to worry about.

-Take some time to figure out what relaxes you. I go for the classic wine in the bubbly tub with a book. Ok fine, also horribly terrible cheesy romantic comedies – on occasion. I think my brain unwillingly unleashes fuzzy-happy-making chemicals when the guy finally gets the girl.

Dedicate some time this weekend to one of the above, or something you’ve come up with on your own to relax. Let the week go. F_ck the week.

Here’s the catch. If you drink too much, the adverse health effects are going to totally cancel out the effort. Plus, binge drinking only once a month actually makes you fatter. Even the ladies that go for vodka and soda to lesson their calorie intake are wasting their good time. According to a study in the former Soviet Union, a place that knows their vodka well, binge drinking like consuming 4 large glasses of wine or 4 strong pints in one day (as infrequent as once a month) could lead to 10 cm of belly fat. And the fat around the belly is the worst for the little ticker and diabetes.

Yes, it’s still officially true: Everything in moderation. So stop wasting your good time by sipping the diet coke all night and instead have a pint or two. The effects of the alcohol cancel out the calorie intake. And if you’re hoarding up your alcohol calories to blow all in one go, you should actually get out more. Have a glass of wine a night and you’ll be skinnier with a healthier heart.

Salute!

Note: If you’re an AA member, I’d stick to the no drinking thing.

So what’s the etiquette for telling a friend her makeup is wack?

-Don’t tell her in front of everyone! I mean gheez.

-Try stitching your eyebrows together and expressing concern to decrease any potential bitch sting your voice may have.

-Avoid mentioning product placements that may be on purpose. You may think calling Susie’s shimmer highlighter ‘glitter’ and rubbing at it is a nice way to tell her it looks like crap, but you’re wrong. Susie may just love her sparkle. Let her go on with her bad self.

-Try the combo technique of complimenting the makeup and then adding the makeup mistake with an ‘oh, but..’  at the end.

-Don’t tell strangers or new acquaintances where their makeup went astray. This privilege is only for close friends and family.

What I want to know is why friends can’t tell friends they have boogies? I tell my cat, and he never even leaves the house. But I would feel awkward telling a friend….

Otherwise it’s a huge waste of brain wave energy. You are exactly who you think you are. I know, that’s so simple and storybook fable-y, yet so hard to wrap your head around sometimes. The negative version of this is, of course, if you think you’re more heinous than you are. But let’s not get into that whole depressing mess today.

Let’s assume you think you’re pretty hot, but every once in a while, (maybe after he doesn’t call when he said he would, or your cute jeans are a little too hard to button) you start to wonder if you’re delusional and actually are an unattractive loser people only hang with when they don’t have anyone else to do.

Since I know telling you “nonsense!” isn’t going to help (much), here’s what I can come up with to ease out of the funk:

-Buy a new lipstick. Preferably, go to the makeup counter in the department store and get them to try some colors on you. (I find the gay guys in the black polyester shirts to be the best.)

-Get dolled up and go to one of those dark alcoholics bars. Order a whiskey neat and anyone who can still get an erection will be in love. By shear numbers your esteem will get a boost. The whiskey might help too.

-See my earlier post on movie night here. A good movie helps that brain matter start mushing it’s particles together in a more productive manner. Same with a good book.

-Buy a size up. I’m terrible at this. I think I’m a small no matter what the cut, fabric or my current size. I won’t even try it on. Then I’ll cut the tags and wear it without even noticing it’s so tight it’s ruffling around the armpits and my stomach is sticking out the bottom. Until the pictures come out later and I’m like OMG! With looser clothes you look thinner than with tight clothes. It’s true.

-Date down. Haha. I kind of just wanted to type that phrase. But why not give that guy (or girl) a chance you normally wouldn’t? And anyway, maybe you’ll be surprised with what you find.

-For monogamous types, get your partner to take you on a date or, heck, take them. Then you can use your new lipstick and drapey dress.

-Get a blow out.  Jenny McCarthy even got a blow out before giving birth to look good for her first baby pictures. (Of course hours later she realized the futility of this). Gwyneth Paltrow says she doesn’t feel fully dressed until her hair’s blown out.

-Change! This can be our appearance like getting some highlights, or your surroundings or habits. Try a new happy hour place. Rearrange your furniture. Take a new class.

Oh, perception. What everything in the whole world comes down to really. The contradiction between what we like versus what people think about this preference can cause quite the quandary. Maybe what we like can be what people think about us? (I know, no new thought here.) But, doing only what is accepted can also be labeled. Hum. So, what’s one to do except figure out exactly who, what and how they want to be perceived?

Take, for example, the popular show What Not To Wear. I say I watch for the makeup, but truth be told I actually tear up watching more often than not. People just get so darn happy and emotional finding out how to cater their look so that others can better see them. And look at what we all discovered about Jon Gosselin by his new look. What a disappointment for fantasizing housewives around America that guy was.

On one hand, I’d like to say people should do whatever they get off on and the rest can go take a flea dip. On the other… maybe it does oneself the best service to help others see past their own arrogant perceptions to who they really are. And maybe you need a refresher yourself?

What are your best qualities as a person? How do you see that in someone else? What screams the opposite to you?

Take a personal inventory and see if you’ve been letting a multiple personality take over. Make her a snack in a lunch box to go.

Here’s a short list of my solo driving with great music on daydreams; things I wish I did or was capable of:

1. Piano or drum prodigy

2. Super sexy secret agent spy/assassin

3. Supermodel (I want a do-over)

4. Fluency in 5 languages. At least.

5. Author of amusing, heartbreaking novel that changes people’s lives

6. No wait, SECRET author who only becomes known when accepting the Nobel Prize

7. Dancer who travels on tour with major acts and takes really cool photographs of it all that’s published in a coffee table book

8. Of course I come up with the cure to AIDs while perfecting a new formula to make eyelashes grow longer and thicker.

9. A genius at something. I don’t care what- just something.

10. Lastly, a strong and pioneering social worker that rebuilds families and communities through teachings of kindness and tolerance. I’m featured on Oprah and she gifts me with an Audi and a pair of Louboutins.

No, none of these things did or will happen. I’ll probably have a baby and eventually learn to love American Idol. But, you know what? That’s ok. (Not the American Idol part.)

I hate those little plaques that say ‘laugh’ ‘love’ ‘live’ or some shit in a cutesy font and ‘old scroll’ edges.  But that’s pretty much the point I’m getting at. There’s always that ex who might have been better if only such and such had been different, or that job opportunity turned down in favor of another. One of my favorite dad quotes ‘There’s no such thing as a no risk proposition’ sums up the idea that with each decision, in the series of decisions called life, there is a loss and that’s just that. So it goes. What are we going to do?

So let’s have a laugh at the expense of a loved one and live through it. It’s happy hour.

Or, there’s always Jesus

First, nip that ego in the butt. Negative energy about yourself takes more ego than positive energy. Much like how it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Think you’re so special for having raccoon eyes? Not so much! There are women who don’t even have eyes who have a good man on their arm. 

Then you can focus on the great fact that you’ve got what you got and you can either waste your life fretting about it or shut up, smile, and work with it sista. And when the inevitable happens and that negative energy starts to creep back, have a martini and a laugh with some friends and sleep it off. Or, as Arina says on her self-help blog, you can just try to……. stop it. “Your mind will be so shocked that for a whole 2 seconds it will actually stop thinking at all. This is your opportunity to counter your negative thoughts.”

**What is negative energy? This is not hippy dippy dope smoker talk for real, tangible issues. This is merely a choice of words indicating unnecessary pessimism. This is not guilt/sadness when you accidentally slammed the sliding door busting the gut of Fluffy your cat. You should feel bad about that because it was a shitty thing to happen. Negative energy is more like that crappy feeling you have after a dinner with dad in which all your failings and short comings were touched upon, however indirectly. Negative energy can be taken and created. When dad dished out his commentary on your lifestyle choices, he did so because he’s feeling some failings at your not having done everything exactly to his perspective of perfect. When someone takes someone else’s parking spot they are giving negative energy because they are a douche bag. Try not to let it get to you or do it yourself. Self-induced negative energy is assuming people don’t like you just because they exist and so do you. In this case maybe you should smoke dope because you need to relax a little. 

I was thinking to myself, ‘What is this all about?’. Then she mentioned she had seen pictures of J.Lo. in a rag mag without makeup. Apparently she saw herself in this photo, bags and all, and truly thought that she too could look as seamless as J.Lo. with the proper makeup. Whether this happened seemed about to make or break her entire existence. Except for her skewed perception and J.Lo.’s obviously more intense and expensive upkeep, what exactly made this qualify as expecting a miracle to me?

As I attempted to show her practical application and color theory, and all she could do was continue to pick apart her face with self-depreciation, I realized the answer was that this was one wound up bitch. The difference between Bride X and J.Lo. is that I’m sure Jenny from the block doesn’t get up every morning and cry over her cellulite, obsess over a new pimple crop, and wring her hands at whether to get cheese on her sandwich at lunch. She would never have become the success she is wasting all her energy like that.

How did Bride X get to that point and how could she get over it and move on to being happy and excited about her wedding? Makeup is fun and very helpful to appearance, but it can’t do jack all if you’re all worked up about how much you suck.

So that is my inspiration/introduction to the category. Here I will post suggestions to help you get over yourself already and start living a more gorgeous life. Stop thinking you suck already, it’s making you kind of ugly.

 (PS-If all this J.Lo. talk has made you want to try her style, a good tutorial on J.Lo. eyes is here MakeupMondo )

What is MakeFace?

Beauty is too pretty sometimes, even for a professional makeup artist. Such pretty pictures and pretty people that make my head feel a little empty and far away as I gaze at them. Fuzzy soft light and coy smiling faces that glow. Not that I don’t love the pretty people, I do, and sometimes even fancy myself one. And I so enjoy being a part of making those pretty people pictures; it’s the best job!

The fashion and beauty world is rooted in a wonderful blend of art and commerce. But I have found the books, magazines, and other media to be so very pretty and serious in a way that, while attractive, doesn’t always translate well to life.  A little too cool for school. Beauty is funny and exciting and experimental, but should never be very serious even at it’s prettiest.

I’ve never met a female who wasn’t interested in making face. I think it’s pretty safe to say that even those who think beauty is lame and vain put concealer over their zits and cry over a hair disaster. I hope these chicks read my blog so they learn how to do beauty stuff they may not have the patience to read an Allure article about.

I’m definitely not too cool for school, and I have the house everyone hangs out at because the parents are never home (or did, now I’m old).  I hope my beauty blog is the industry’s version of that house to you.

I heard Jordan Catalano might stop by later.  I’m wearing matching undies just in case.

PS-Sometimes I like to say really super blunt, mean things because it humors me. So I don’t mean it; I hardly ever mean anything at all.