I used to think that selectively shopping for ‘your’ colors was too limiting and kind of ridiculous. For example, I remember learning in some be-a-classy-lady course that no one looks good in black. It may not bring out the tiny color flecks in your eyes, but I’m pretty sure everyone looks sharp in black.

Choosing your best colors, both for makeup and clothing, which complement your coloring does have massive impact though. It actually changes the way you are perceived to others. Not that there is any ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to be perceived. If you’d like to be perceived as the devil incarnate or sexy girl next door, well then pick out colors that represent that image.

Like choosing your proper red lipstick, the best way is by trial and error. Remember that the colors that look best on you may not be the same as what you’re attracted to. That can suck. If the colors that fit your style don’t suit you, look for neutrals so that you’re at least not detracting from your appearance. Luckily most lighting in dressing rooms is so horrid that if a color makes you look at all better it’s a great sign you’re on to something.

Tips for choosing colors to enhance your appearance:

-Try to find clothing while not wearing much makeup. Bronzer or particular lip colors, for example, will affect your perception. Once you have the outfit you can start in on makeup to work out the whole package.

-Pick up something you never would have before. Ever barrow a friend’s sweater and think ‘Damn, who knew I look this good in puke green’?

-Does the skin get ruddy with pink or sallow with yellow? The best colors for you will neutralize the skin tone and help it look more even.

-Are the bags under your eyes enhanced or decreased? (You want them decreased)

-Does the color in your eyes stand out?

-Does your hair look richer or duller?

-Look for softness or boldness. Contrast to compliment or match to enhance. Check out Eye Shadow For Grey Eyes for more color theory explanation.

Here’s an example of neutral colors for style-based choices:

Here’s an example of shades that enhance for a coloring-based choice:

Time Machine For The Face: Get the look of botox for under $10. Generously apply cod liver oil all over your face and any other area you want to diminish fine lines from. Wrap the oil in plastic wrap, cutting holes to breath out of. Stay like this, out of the sun, for 3,254 hours. When you remove the plastic, your skin will be 10 years younger, I promise.

Stop Being Fat: Lose 10 lbs in 2 days! Substitute all meals (and snacks) with cocaine. Have as much as you want. Not only will your calorie intake be reduced 100%, but your energy level will increase so that you are burning more as well. You might even work out instead of sleep! Now who said diets can’t be fun?

Pizza Face No More: Cure acne instantly and once and for all. The answer has been known for centuries, but those with the knowledge have not wanted everyone else’s skin to be as pretty as theirs. They have quietly handed the recipe down, generation to generation, as passage at puberty.  Now I will share with you this life-changing remedy: Scavenger for a fresh doggie turd. Make sure it came from a dog and it is fresh, or else it won’t work. Cook the turd in 2 cups of goat milk on low for 8 hours. A slow cooker is perfect. Apply the concoction to your face and allow to dry. Mixing a little into a milk shake and drinking it helps the remedy last.  Rinse your face and be amazed at your glowing, clear skin!

April Fools, Suck-as!

Here are some of my favorite products and solutions for rainy day hair and makeup.

-Best waterproof mascara: Covergirl Lashblast in waterproof. I used this mascara for an underwater photo shoot and it didn’t run at all, even as the models swam and rubbed their eyes afterward. Clearly it’s not easy to remove, so keep in mind having a solid makeup remover.

-Use cream foundation or spot-cover with a creamy concealer. A liquid makeup will just rinse right off, while liquid can bead up and glide over a denser cream. If you have an at-home airbrush, that has the most waterproofing capability with either a silicone or alcohol base.

-Cream is better than powder or liquid for everything in the rain. If you have a cream blush, that’s great, or a touch of lipstick delicately blended into the apples is perfect. Even makeup great Aaron DeMay did that on a French Vogue shoot I had the honor of assisting him on. Actually, he instructed me to. We used bits of deep red on olive skin and it radiated beautifully. You want a moisture-rich lipstick for this. One of these ‘will last ’til the grave’ varieties will be too thick and dry to blend. Another tip, mix the lipstick with a little of your moisturizer to easily spread it around.

-My favorite waterproof eyeliner is Makeup Forever Aqua Eyes. A lot of waterproof liners are chalky and hard to use, but this one is the perfect smoothness with lasting effect.

-Wavy long hair in the rain: Work gel or styling cream through semi-damp hair. Twist the length of the hair and then twist the twisted hair into a bun, tying it in place with simple elastic. Keep it that way until it dries. If you get wet again in transit, use the hand dryer in the bathroom at work/school. When you take the bun out, your hair will be wavy and smooth. When you have to go back out in the rain, twist and twist again into the bun to preserve the waves.

-If you MUST have straight hair, lock it in with an alcohol-based hair spray and cover that with a silicone based de-frizzing serum or hair shine product like Victoria’s Secret Shine Mist. Use a small amount but work it from roots to ends.

-Go with it. Those of you with gorgeous ringlets should use a waterproof gel like Kerastase Gelee Aqua Proof (ignore the pompous name) and scrunch it up. Wavy hair looks super sexy with a few spritzes of Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray for a beachy look. (A budget tip: if you live near salt water fill up a spray bottle with it for the same effect.

Need Face Wash: Smooth a drizzling of olive oil into the face. Wipe clean with a warm washcloth. The oil will remove dirt and leave the skin smooth and the washcloth with take any dead skin with it.

Need Deodorant: Rub a slice of lemon or lime in your armpit. It won’t keep you from sweating, but the juice will kill any bacteria to keep you from smelling.

Need Makeup Remover: Personal lubricant. Yep, Astroglide that mascara right off.

Need Hair Conditioner: Conditioner moisturizes, so take some body lotion and apply it like conditioner, but a little lighter. Be sure to rinse really well and only apply to the ends.

Need Shaving Cream: Hair conditioner helps soften the hair and create a smooth surface in place of shaving cream. It’s more expensive, though, so I wouldn’t make this a regular two in one.

Need Toothpaste: I’m sure most know this one already, but a little baking soda on your toothbrush with buff that plaque.

Need Hair Extension Remover: Makeup remover will work the adhesive bind off, as well as spraying a ton of hairspray. I have no idea how the hairspray trick works, but it really does. The alcohol maybe?

I’ve been trying since my hell began two days ago to somehow relate bed bugs to beauty, but it just can’t be done. There’s nothing about vermin sucking your blood while you try to sleep with the lights on covered from head to toe in long johns and hat sprayed with rubbing alcohol. It’s decidedly not pretty.

So. Here are a few frequently asked questions…. These are questions from friends, readers, and pain killer addicts I eavesdrop on in the makeup aisle at Walgreens.

Q: What is the best over the counter acne product?

A: I hate this question because it’s a complicated situation that acne. Short answer: benzoyl peroxide, found in a multitude of products in various strengths. I find spot treating at night to be best. But if you’re having a serious acne problem I strongly suggest three things: 1. Keep your grubby hands off it 2. Do not scrub or use harsh products because this will make it worse. 3. Call a dermatologist. If you don’t have insurance hit them up for sample medicines-most likely they’ll have some.

Q: How to choose lip balm?

A: I find (and I’m a true connoisseur) that there’s nothing better then vitamin E for chapped lips, so look for a product based on that ingredient. Choose a more dry, waxy type if you plan to wear lipstick over it. Use something greasier if you plan to gloss or leave it. Something with sunblock is a great choice in general as well.

Q: What are the best makeup products to get at a drugstore?

A: I should, and at some point will, dedicate an entire entry to this. Mascara for sure. I know there are those of you out there who believe DiorShow changed your life. For the rest of us, there’s Lash Blast, Great Lash, or Voluminous. Any eyeliner in colors you’re not going to wear a lot like a violet or something are a good drug store purchase.  There’s some pretty good drugstore eyeliner in general.  Why waste your money for something you just want for a little fun?  Covergirl loose powder is really pretty good if you’re looking for a powder dusting to set your makeup. L’Oréal Color Juice lipgloss is very similar to Lancome ’s Juicy Tube gloss, and not just in packaging. The most important product to buy in a department or specialty store is foundation.  There’s a lot out there, but personally I love the very expensive Giorgio Armani line.

Q: Can you return makeup items to the drugstore?

A: Most of the time yes, even if you’ve opened the package. Just ask. You do not seem like a lame, broke looser and holding up the color next to your face into a 2-inch mirror isn’t the best way to judge a product. I totally returned hair scrunchies just the other day….

Q: Are drugstore hair products really that much worse than salon products?

A: Shampoo should always be a drugstore purchase. Conditioner you should spend a few more dollars on because that’s what’s going to affect your hair the most. Nowadays the drug and discount stores offer a lot of premium brands too. Target has the best selection of these products (ElNett, Bumble and Bumble), but they’re still expensive. In general L’oreal has great cheap products, particularly for color treated hair. I agree with Spendicity that their sulfate-free line Everpure works wonderfully, although curiously does not provide as much moisture as their regular product line.

There are a few things to analyze here in determining the correction procedure/product.

Are the eyes puffy? If so, use a skin cream that contains caffeine like MAC’s Fast Response Eye Cream and anything cool and calming like a refrigerated eye mask or cucumbers.

Are the dark circles predominantly blue/green/grey, purple, or yellow? For blue/green/grey use a product that has a little pink in to brighten up the area. The best product I’ve used for this type is Givenchy’s Mister Light, which is a liquid-ish concealer and brightener in one. For the yellow, sallow eye circles that can occur in olive tones like some Latinos or Asians, use a concealer, or primer like Smashbox’s Photo Finish Primer in Color Balance that has a bit of lavender. Some recommend using something with a yellow base like for the blue/green/grey but really, that’s best for purple under-eye shadows, which I actually find to be the least common. Here’s a good color wheel chart to explain. Mister light as well as Makeup Forever’s Lift Concealer come with different bases, some yellow and some pink. 

Start the application with a single, fairly thin, layer and add additional layers as needed. It’s ok to layer with more than one color correcting shade using something like Makeup Forever’s Camouflage Cream Palette. For this start with the rosier or more lavender shade and finish with the more yellow shade if needed. There will be a certain point that’s as good as it’s going to get…. don’t push it. Take a fluffy eye shadow brush with a little translucent powder to set the coverage and make it last longer. And don’t be too shy to freshen up those babies later in the day. 

Seems there’s some info, maybe because of the embarrassingly personal aspect of feminine health, which slips through the cracks. Other than wiping front to back, here are a few tips for healthy vag:

-Pee after sex.This helps clear germs from the area so they don’t get in the urinary tract and travel to the bladder. Better even, shower.

-Thongs and g-strings can help bacteria move from the back to the front, so if you’re having troubles with infection, go for the full-butt styles.

-If you feel a UTI starting to come on, take cranberry extract pills and make tea from parsley. Don’t add anything to the tea besides parsley and boiled water. 

-Sleep without any undies to let her air out. Panty wearing helps create a warm, moist area for yeast to grow in the vulva area. Take a break at bedtime.

-Don’t chill in a wet bathing suit. If you’re heading to the tikki bar post swim, bring a cute sundress and dry undies to change into. Again, moisture=yeast. 

-Don’t hook up with dudes who have dirty hands. Gross. 

-Stay away from scented period absorbers. There’s no need to introduce chemicals to the area, and really your privates aren’t supposed to smell like a fresh spring breeze in a Dutch meadow. If you’re having problems with stank, you should change your absorber much more frequently.

-Only wear panties that have cotton lining, preferably white. She’s gotta be able to breath down there.

-If you’re having problems with irritation, try switching to Dove soap. Sometimes it’s just that simple.

-Use lubricants that are unscented and aren’t spermicidal to avoid irritation. But don’t use these for unintended purposes like regular moisturizing. 

-Don’t douche. It changes a very delicate natural chemical balance, can spread bacteria up instead of down, and it increases risk of disease that lead to infertility.

-If you’re treating an infection or such, don’t have sex or use tampons. 

I’m sure you knew all the facts about the baby cave already, but a refresher is always good just in case. If there’s anything I left out, comment! 

Sad Vag

What’s a dame to do?  Ditch the triple espressos?  Twelve-step those American Spirits?  Leave the vino for the winos? Rhetorical, only rhetorical!……of course not.

To counter-act your ‘old yeller’ syndrome, here’s the 411:

Try a deep cleaning Baking Soda Brush once a week.  Plain old baking soda (which is less than a buck a box) is a wonder!  Wet your brush, dip it in the Baking Soda, and put the pedal to the metal.

Fizzy-Lifting Swish is another tried & true recipe for whiter-than-white teeth.  It’s a verrrrrry complicated system but I think you dolls can handle it….Get a $1 bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide, swish a little for a minute or so, spit and rinse.  Its revolutionary I tell ya.

Wear blue-based lipsticks.  Any lipstick with a yellow/orange base is going to make those pearlies look not so white.  Look for lipsticks with a BLUE base in the wine or raspberry color palette.  Experiment and find a shade that works.

Get a little sun, dearies!  You will feel thinner/sexier/more *fab* than usual.. …AND your sun-kissed glow will help those canary-hued incisors look alabaster. Don’t forget the SPF of course. 

Compare your teeth to those of your local crackhead. Instantly whitening. 

Hygienists will agree that the over-the-counter teeth whitening systems are just as effective as the professional ones. The effects may not last as long, but definitely worth the $25.

About the Contributor: Whitney Ashley Streets, Domestic Diva, is a veteran cosmetics junkie and Earth mother with strong southern style and humor. She has recently undertaken the task of Feng-Shui-ing her house.

Here are some solutions to second day hair:

Greasy: Dry shampoo is no longer old fashioned. It’s new fashioned. When my bangs get greasy, I spray them with Ojon dry shampoo. It also adds a little scent, like Fabreeze for your hair.

Sleepy Kinks Long Hair: My step-sister-in-law taught me this one. She takes big old-fashioned curlers and rolls the hair up in them for an hour or so. When she takes the rollers out, the kinks are gone. Velcro curlers will give great volume. Another solution is to add a little style spray like Bumble and Bumble throughout the hair and roll it into a bun for, again, an hour or so for fresh waves.

Sleepy Kinks Short Hair: Use a little light to medium styling substance like Aveda Confixor on the kink and blow-dry out the kink with small, round brush. The trick here is not to let the kink area differentiate from the rest of the hair, so be sure to only use a small amount of product and spread it evenly.

Flat Hair: Hot rollers are great for this. If long strands lost their pa-zaz take a curling iron quickly to them. 

For dry/frizzy hair, also be sure to use a natural bristled brush to spread your oil out from the scalp and try a good shine serum.

Illustration by Manuel Rebollo