Two years they sat on that Amazon list before someone finally clicked them to my door. I read all the instructions and recommendations, which are nicely extensive. 18 styles are depicted with black and white illustrations and instructions on creating the look. It kind of transported me back to a pre-FDA time I never knew where women eagerly mail-ordered beauty products promising miracles from catalogs. They waited on their prairie until the post rolled up and, evading teasing eyes, ran their brown paper wrapped parcel into the attic to review the instructions. The Caruso did not cause any rashes, hair loss, or speech impediments, but it did cause ugly hair.

Three of the techniques with three setting products I tried. I tried the included roller shields and my own clips. I tried letting them stay on for an hour or so (10-15 minutes is what they call for). One decent curl on one strand is what I got out of three sets of a whole head of curlers. I have no idea what brought about that one curl and how it differed from all the others, but it doesn’t even matter since that curl only lasted an hour or so anyway.

This review of the Caruso SalonPro Molecular Steam Setter concludes that it is dumb. It makes hair negative of pretty, plus SalonPro looks stupid as a compound word.

The name being so vague, I first casually walked into ‘The Artistic Advantage’ class with David Hernandez half of the way through not expecting to miss much. Well it was amazing of course, yet another lesson on why not to be a know-it-all pessimist.  My favorite demo involved adding a pigment to a ton of this product called Blister Effect and dapple/dizzling it from the lid down the cheek. After it dries it can be peeled off. I miss this kind of editorial experimentation!

After that my former instructor and Burn Notice makeup artist Erin Koplow did some TV/film demos. She started out with some pretty normal ‘female detective’ stuff and then moved into showing some bruising and gashes and such. She showed off this amazing array of fake blood in variations called Thick, Liquid, and Coagulated. Who else has been waiting for a brand to understand that each stage of the blood-letting process has it’s own subtleties?

I was too busy shopping to get any bloody pics unfortunately. Sorry.  It was a lot of work. They had you manually fill out graph paper of the products for order. With pen and dash marks. Then they totaled you on this two-inch thick Dell laptop with crud in all the cracks before stapling the receipt to your graph packet to be sent to the studio in New York. This, in a day when I can get my Amex scanned off an IPhone to buy a hotdog from a street vendor. Make Up Forever, I love you, but do yourself and a thousand trees a favor and get an upgrade.

The Make Up Forever Pro Road Show will be in Austin on Oct. 8-10 and Atlanta from Nov. 12-14, both in W Hotels.

-Lansinoh nipple cream is the #1 best heavy lip balm I’ve ever used. And that’s saying a lot. Since subjecting myself to the acne medication Accutane as a teenager, I’ve tried anything emollient that won’t kill you on my chronically dry lips. Lansinoh is the shit! It’s 100% lanolin, a wax sheep produce to keep their wool nice and dry. It’s taken out of the wool when the hair is processed into textiles by squeezing it between rollers.

-I didn’t get stretch marks. I think it’s genetics or maybe diet, but everyone asks what moisturizer I use, so even though I don’t think it has anything to with it, I will pass along the suggestion. It’s 100% raw, organic shea butter straight outta Africa. I bought it at a local farmers market type deal, but here’s where to get it on the vender’s website Organic Beauty and Cultural Products. I’ve been smearing it all over the place from my face to my toes.

-This Pregnancy Tea by Traditional Medicinals 2-3 times a day will magically, joyously, rid you of restless leg syndrome. For months I thrashed and ached at night and then I started drinking the tea completely unrelated and it just disappeared. When I didn’t drink the tea, it came back. I have no idea how/what ingredient makes this happen. I do know it’s not the red raspberry ingredient because I’ve tried that on it’s own without the same effect.

Here’s an interview with Tokodoki founder Simone Legno.

I interned at Nylon Magazine circa 2001, but I’m not sure I was of much use except for fielding weekly calls from photographer and Beatle daughter Mary McCartney wondering where her editorial payment of roughly $200 was. I remember her words ‘It’s the principle.’ I wonder if she ever got paid.

In Milan I lived in a shared models apartment with anywhere from 0 to 5 other girls. And not like on these reality shows. We had Ikea furniture and the rest was up to us. Anyway, the gym down the street gave us free membership so we’d generally make an outing of it. On one occasion my health freak Mormon roommate popped a couple pills beforehand. She said it was an herbal supplement that made you burn more calories for the same amount of work. That sounded pretty good. I tossed one back. I mean, if it’s herbal why not?

Fast forward 45 minutes and I’m afraid to get off the elliptical machine. Literally afraid. I’m not sure I can stop. My heart is racing and my limbs are pumping and stopping seems like sticking your hand in a piston engine. I threw up on the way home. The herb was called Ephedra and the FDA banned its sale in 2004 for basically killing people, among other adverse effects. Which they should, because if you’re going to take speed you might as well take one that gets you high too. I mean really, what a waste of blood pressure and liver function.

Unfortunately it’s quite hard for the FDA to control these substances. Much lobbying and general BS mucking make every ban take years and there’s thousands of these herbal concoctions. Plus much of the actual manufacturing is done in China or other places with similar lax rules without any FDA inspections.

So if you’re planning on bulking up, trimming down, detoxing, meditating, or energizing, as least check out these dozen supplement ingredients listed by Consumer Reports as the worst of the worst for your health:

Aconite, Bitter Orange, Chaparral, Colloidal Silver, Coltsfoot, Comfrey, Country Mallow, Germanium, Greater Celandine, Kava, Lobelia, Yohimbe

Now, take care and check out the link because there’s other names for the same ingredients. Be well!

By the way, I don’t know who these guys are or if they ever took any supplements.

-Desert Essence Facial Wash: LOVE it! Have absolutely nothing bad to say about this face wash, which is both gentle and extremely effective, except that the pump squirts out too much at a time so you go through the bottle pretty quickly.

-Whole Foods 365 Shampoo/Conditioner: My hair is ridiculously silky considering it hasn’t been cut in like 3 months with highlights in the mean time.  It’s also extremely affordable, although you have to use a lot of it because it has very low lather-ability. I got the grapefruit variety.

-Mother Pucker Lip Plumper: Honestly, I’m not sure that it actually plumps your lips any better than competing products, but I love how it exfoliated my lips. Never have I gotten such a great exfoliation that lasted for days. Over-all my lips looked great. Kind of pricey at $27.49

-Illamasqua Intense Lipgloss in Petulant: Gorgeous color and good texture to throw on with hardly any other makeup, or with a face full of Friday.

Have a great weekend!

But what about the other way around? When a product’s inadequate packaging actually stands in the way of its performance? The following are fabulous products with poor packaging. Or ‘piss poor’ as my dad would say.

Stila Lip Glaze: Click click. Nothing. Click click click click. Still nothing. Clickclickclickclickclickclick Goooosh. A weeks worth of gloss drips from the tip of the applicator brush. Great gloss though.

Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion: This packaging makes you work for it. You want that shadow to stick? Do you? Let’s hope so, ‘cause you’ve got to want it to get it out of the package.

L’Oreal Studio Secrets Professional Color Presso: This packaging is just straight dumb. You have to pull/twist off the outer cap and then deal with two open color vials. Dumb.

Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser:  Apparently this foundation is really a two-in-one because the sponge applicator is so rough it could also be considered an exfoliater. The upside is that you can buy the product without the ‘eraser’ built-in sponge and apply it with your fingers instead.

A couple quick best packaging shout-outs include…

Any of the mini lip glosses that can fit in your pocket. These include Bobby Brown, Milani, and sample glosses by various brands at Sephora.

Sally Hansen Color Quick Fast Dry Nail Color Pen. This seems way too cool for school, but I’ve heard from a trusted source that not only does the polish dispense evenly, but that the thin pen applicator makes nail polishing much easier.

Tarte Cheek Stain and Eyeshadow Palette: The cheek stain is packaged to literally wipe across your cheeks. So much easier than other cheek stains or cream blushes. The eyeshadow palettes have a strong magnetic closure that keeps all the colors secure so you don’t open it to an avalanche of powders.

The Packaging Company produces cosmetic packaging that can biodegrade in 5 years. Like!

Apparently Tokidoki has had a ridiculously cute cosmetic line out in Sephora since the beginning of April. This packaging seriously puts Hello Kitty to shame. At a launch party they served donuts on light sabers and had a skating ramp with rad girl skaters.

The Hard Candy product line is behind the creation of not only the Tokidoki cosmetics, but all the other goods too, from Coke Light bottles to zipper pulls. The owners snagged artist/creator Simone Legno from Italy and dragged him to LA to make him rich back in 2003. Seems it’s going well.

As far as the makeup, I have no idea if it’s any good. I didn’t even try a tester as I quickly ogled the packaging while my male half waited politely outside. But I’m pretty sure I’m going to need at least a gloss and maybe a travel bag too.

Kaylan, a hairstylist and one of those people whose always so put-together you figure she must be at least partially made of plastic, loves Sally Hanson’s Full and Radiant Lip Definer.  Says that lately she hasn’t even been wearing lipstick, which is truly a testament to the greatness of the product.

Another hairstylist, Mordechai, often travels from NY to Chicago for private clients and Miami for commercial clients. Because of preferring to pack only for carry-on, he buys Burts Bees Radiance Body Lotion per job when he arrives on location. It’s great for on camera and in person because the shimmer is so slight you can barely tell you have something on at all. I give it to my brides to slather up with now too.

Lately I have personally tried most bath products available in the grocery store. I have to say that for only a few bucks Vasoline Bath Beads are a pretty solid product. It’s kind of like pouring laundry detergent into your bath at first, but the little beads dissolve to add slight emollients to the water. Great for dry skin.

For more bargain binge products, check out previous posts Drugstore Cowgirl, Drugstore FAQ, and Beauty on a Budget

Cream Blush: This is more ‘natural’ than a powder because instead of sitting on top of your skin it gets smooshed in. More radiant some would say. The con is that it takes more skill to apply because of the blending process. Packaging like Tarte’s Cheeks Stain (although this example is a little more translucent than a cream) is helpful because you can kind of smear it on without going too far astray. Otherwise, little dots of color that you connect in blending is the easiest way to go.

Powder Blush:  By far the most consumer friendly. Tons and tons of colors to choose from and, as long as you know where your face is, it’s pretty hard to screw up. Some tips to avoid uneven color distribution: don’t overload your brush and use a light hand in application. I’m sure you all know about cult favorite Orgasm by Nars.

Cheek Stain: Formerly known as the smear of red lipstick left after an elderly kiss assault. Actually I find these to be very pretty. The colors tend to be more light and vibrant than with a cream and remind me more of a true flush.  I prefer it for younger skin. Just dab it in to your cheeks with your fingers and blend. Benetint is a cute stain by Benefit.

Cream and Powder Combo: This multi-textured layering technique can really provide a great glow. It’s especially nice if the powder tone is a little lighter than the cream or a little shimmery. Kind of a bit much for a trip to class and the gym, but for nice occasions it can take it up a step.  Another plus is that I find the color to last longer when using both. Remember, cream first then powder.

We will leave placement of the rouge for another day. Wha-ha-ha-ha….

And see look, even this creepy weird doll looks a little nicer with some rosey cheeks.

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