She’s got the John Galliano suede platform booties, shiny straight blown-out hair extensions, a gorgeous face, and the swagger of Mae West.  She saunters in as the afternoon sun glints in her perfectly kohl-lined eyes.  She laughs…..and her NARS Shanghai Red stained lips part, revealing the most “yeller” grill since Flava Flav.

What’s a dame to do?  Ditch the triple espressos?  Twelve-step those American Spirits?  Leave the vino for the winos? Rhetorical, only rhetorical!……of course not.

To counter-act your ‘old yeller’ syndrome, here’s the 411:

Try a deep cleaning Baking Soda Brush once a week.  Plain old baking soda (which is less than a buck a box) is a wonder!  Wet your brush, dip it in the Baking Soda, and put the pedal to the metal.

Fizzy-Lifting Swish is another tried & true recipe for whiter-than-white teeth.  It’s a verrrrrry complicated system but I think you dolls can handle it….Get a $1 bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide, swish a little for a minute or so, spit and rinse.  Its revolutionary I tell ya.

Wear blue-based lipsticks.  Any lipstick with a yellow/orange base is going to make those pearlies look not so white.  Look for lipsticks with a BLUE base in the wine or raspberry color palette.  Experiment and find a shade that works.

Get a little sun, dearies!  You will feel thinner/sexier/more *fab* than usual.. …AND your sun-kissed glow will help those canary-hued incisors look alabaster. Don’t forget the SPF of course. 

Compare your teeth to those of your local crackhead. Instantly whitening. 

Hygienists will agree that the over-the-counter teeth whitening systems are just as effective as the professional ones. The effects may not last as long, but definitely worth the $25.

About the Contributor: Whitney Ashley Streets, Domestic Diva, is a veteran cosmetics junkie and Earth mother with strong southern style and humor. She has recently undertaken the task of Feng-Shui-ing her house.