I showed up a last minute back-up without knowing who anyone was, including Rick Owens. Apparently a lot of fancy pantsy people do, though. My first task was to remove a bunch of stubborn individual lashes left over from Njena’s shoot the day before with V Magazine. I asked how long she’d been rapping and she easily said (paraphrased) ‘Oh, this is the first time. We were just hangin out and Ojay was like-this is good, I better lay this down.’ And that’s how it’s done.

Photographer Alison Brady and I only had to speak for about 17 seconds to come up with a mannequin/barbie inspired plan for Njena’s face. With perfect skin and gorgeous features it was a breeze. I used a Christian Dior blue shadow (that they apparently don’t make anymore) patted over the lid with Smashbox Obsidian in the crease. For liner I used an angle brush and some black shadow mixed with water to sketch the line and then filled it in with Mac’s liquid liner.

Here Stylist Keesean and friend Magumie create Njena’s fake flower headpiece. On the right are Njena and Ojay on set.

Two years they sat on that Amazon list before someone finally clicked them to my door. I read all the instructions and recommendations, which are nicely extensive. 18 styles are depicted with black and white illustrations and instructions on creating the look. It kind of transported me back to a pre-FDA time I never knew where women eagerly mail-ordered beauty products promising miracles from catalogs. They waited on their prairie until the post rolled up and, evading teasing eyes, ran their brown paper wrapped parcel into the attic to review the instructions. The Caruso did not cause any rashes, hair loss, or speech impediments, but it did cause ugly hair.

Three of the techniques with three setting products I tried. I tried the included roller shields and my own clips. I tried letting them stay on for an hour or so (10-15 minutes is what they call for). One decent curl on one strand is what I got out of three sets of a whole head of curlers. I have no idea what brought about that one curl and how it differed from all the others, but it doesn’t even matter since that curl only lasted an hour or so anyway.

This review of the Caruso SalonPro Molecular Steam Setter concludes that it is dumb. It makes hair negative of pretty, plus SalonPro looks stupid as a compound word.

I kind of hate that I remember being a model at her age and also having all kinds of pre-programmed hearsay in my head from whoever I was currently trying to make sense of reality from. Not that it’s necessarily not true. What do I know? I’m just saying that unless she herself did some kind of nasty with the man himself, it wasn’t really cool of her to go around a fashion set proclaiming truths about. I know, I know! Isn’t that just the kind of slip we all so easily make?

Click to the next chapter and I’m spouting all kinds of criticisms on parenting. From some kind of nonsense that birth pain can be mitigated with relaxation tapes, to tantrums are caused by too much sugar and television. Yesterday I told my daughter that all I wanted to do was enrich her life by taking her to the fucking zoo, and that she was a spoiled brat, and that if she didn’t chill out I was going to have to explain to her what the trafficking industry was all about.

So as I relaxed and took inventory of the day’s wrongs, I thought of that model. I thought of her because we are so full of hot air! We never, ever know until we’re there, or past even. I’ve written that before, but it just never ends at that. And honestly, while I’m sure they exist, I have yet to meet a person who didn’t have some strong sentiments about something they couldn’t possibly have the perspective to truly grasp.

But hot air looks it’s best when blowing out of the hair dryer, with most other ventings just plain ugly. And all the night creams and lip plumpers in Henri Bendel can’t beat out that kind of ugly.  However, unlike dark eye circles, heavy lids, thin lips, and undefined cheekbones, that kind of ugly can magically disappear, and it’s never too late to try to figure out (or get a refresher on) how to use our magic fairy dust.

Of course we’ve all hit the ‘reply all’ by accident. Or woken up to read a drunken slur on facebook that, although can be deleted, has been seen by many and may even still be lurking in some notification emails. But for how long do we feel like shit about it, and more importantly, does anyone really care?

I clearly excel at this kind of embarrassment. As of late I’ve toyed with squashing some of my particularly cringe-worthy moments by apologizing (or expressing something somewhat similar to regret) to whomever I felt required it. What I discovered? No one really gives a shit! You may remember some stuff that particularly related to you in a given event, and another remembers something entirely different. Often people won’t even remember what you said/did. They’re too busy worrying about themselves.

I can’t even remember what all those vaginas that went flashing around Hollywood a few years ago looked like (a blur of plucked chickens?).  Or whom they belonged to. Was it Lindsey? Paris? Oh right, I don’t care.

Obviously not all offenses can magically disappear, but before losing too much beauty sleep over a potential persecution, remember that you too can be forgettable.

Seems like for kids it’s more about events these days. Least around these parts. Only one kid’s knocked on my door in the last 5 years. They’re all at these ‘spooktackular’ ‘boo bashes’. I envisioned finger quotes there for no good reason at all, except that I’ll be home.

Looking though my Halloween makeup tips from a previous year, I’m pretty impressed. Not sure I have a lot to add to that except that spirit gum is the best sticky substance choice for your prosthetics and gauzes and the like. You’ll find it at all the costume places.

If you’re panicked to get something together last minute, these Halloween looks for the office may help you out. And of course, you have to add Charlie Sheen to the list. Take it a step up by crusting a little baking soda around a nostril.

For those more industrious revelers, check out my personal favorite- really gross Halloween costume ideas. This year’s addition? I’m thinking the litter box. Such a great DIY opportunity, I don’t want to squelch any creativity and provide suggestions, except that a (stuffed) cat stuck on somewhere would be a great touch.

If you’re hosting this year, please use this baby doll dip bowl idea. It’s kind of special.

Happy Halloween 2011!

Mad Men inspired costumes are also on the top costumes 2011 list, which is awesome because I know many of you have been waiting for an opportunity to test drive one of those pointy-shaped cone bras.

While I can’t condone it (those poor girls!), dressing as a Toddlers and Tiaras character is expected to be a popular costume choice. Don’t forget to put Vaseline on your teeth so they sparkle! Gross.

Zombies are expected to make a strong showing, while sparkle-in-the-sunlight vampires are on the way out. Adios, twinkle toes. Zombies are fun because they can be scary or slutty. Or my favorite, scary slutty.

Anything Apple! This is a great cardboard opportunity. From i-phones to vintage desktops, a homage to Steve Jobs is a solid Halloween 2011 choice.

From old David Bowie to new Lady Gaga, I’m really feeling the glam vibe this Hollow’s Eve. Here are a few ideas for using makeup to create an easy glam Halloween look.

-For a toned down sophisticated glam choose vibrant lips in non-traditional tones like blue, purple, or green. My previous post on Matching Lips and Nails is a great example.

-Use the old drag queen glue stick trick to cover your eyebrows. Once it dries, create new ones in bold colors using eyeliner. Keep as-is, or combine this glam Halloween look with a super glittery or metallic lip gloss.

-Painted on glitter sunglasses are a strong glam look. Use a stencil or freehand it to create the sunglasses shape around the eyes with face paint or makeup. You can use a paint that already has glitter, or apply the glitter over a cream so that it sticks. Download a free stencil here. They’re for kids, but you can make it work… you just can’t trace time.

-Of course there’s the classic lightening bolt over/through the eye. Use a thin scrap of paper or thin bendable plastic to make the straight edges for the outline and fill in as desired.

The key to glam Halloween makeup is being free and creative with your vision. Use staples like metallics, bold colors, and glitter and you can’t go wrong. We are all born superstars.

I’m not a super huge fan of the look, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s this girl. Without those gorgeous Persian/Armenian eyes I’ll have to do my best to create a little gringa version of the Kim Kardashian makeup look on myself. I apologize for the lighting variations.

1. Prep the entire lid and under-eye with concealer or eye shadow base.

2. Fill in the brow to create a defined shape. This is necessary to frame the look so as to avoid the raccoon eye.

3. Apply false eyelashes. I’d do this first so that if you have trouble you don’t screw up the makeup. Here’s a link to a past blog on applying false eyelashes.

4. Use a cream shadow or moveable liner to sketch in a shape. Use your brow bone as a guide for how high to go. To the bone is usually a good amount of drama. Also line the inner tear line. It’s important that it’s a maliable substance because you want to be able to blend with it. I used a Benefit liner that no longer exists and definitely isn’t sanitary that I still have.

5. Go over the cream with a black powder shadow, allowing the shadow to smooth out the edges. This is the time to exaggerate the darkness up toward the top of the brow bone if your eye can handle it. Mine cannot.

6. Brush a slate, brown, purple…. you choose…. medium shadow in a downward motion over the edges of the black shadow. Ooo, look how ’smokey’.

7. Use an angled brush to apply the medium tone over the black lined under eye, blending out  and over from the lash line. For me I’m tapering the line in toward the center eye, however Kim’s can take the same thickness all the way to the center.

7. Again with a downward stroke apply a highlight shadow from the brow over the edges of the medium tone.  Also hit up the outer, lower corner of the eye and inner corner

8. Use a liquid liner to go over any areas around the eye that may need to be filled in such as along the top ridges of the false lashes.

Done. 8 steps to a Kim Kardashian makeup look.

I only did one eye because I’m pretty sure that if I stepped out in my neighborhood with this makeup I’d be offered a lot of…. business. Penis business. Here’s a daylight and inside light comparison. Play with your shape a little to make it work best for you! There are no rules. Just layers.

BZ basically bullied me into doing her hair after I told her I only do casual hair. The first thing she tells me at the trial is that she fired the last artist because he made her hair too flat. Interesting. Zilla-face has very thin hair that is quite long. She wants a snookie-esk bump with claw bangs, and tons of big, curled volume completed with a sparkly crown. The height of the bump is of upmost importance. Not casual and not easy. But I work it out and she’s happy enough to lay down a deposit for the big day. I’m not so crazy about the look, but it’s not my wedding. Plus she was amusing and interesting, so at this point I’m thinking alls swell.

Then there’s the phone calls. I love answering questions for my brides, but much of what she was saying was contradictory so it was frustrating. ‘I think I looked too tan in the trial. I looked Asian.’  I say that that’s no problem, an easy thing to do differently.  Next breath she says, ‘I was thinking about getting a spray tan. Would you be able to match the makeup?’ And on and on.

Wedding day The Mother is introduced to the scene. She comes storming in fuming about her hair. After that long tirade, she says she needs to fatten me up and sets a plate of cookies right smack in the middle of my workspace, actually on top of my stuff. The bride tells me that I need to eat them before we continue, or her mother will never shut up about it. Following the shortbread is screaming phone calls with the florist, whom she hangs up on several times, promising to ‘stop the check’.  She then says that as long as the photographer stays away from her she’ll be ok.

Time is short by the time we’re wrapping up. Zillina is super stoked about her makeup and pretty cool with her hair. She’d like more volume. I think about suggesting she stick her finger in the light socket, but instead set a few curls for her to release at the last minute. Then come in the savvy, stylish lesbian cousins. They say she looks like a cone head (kind of rightly so) and all mayhem breaks loose.  Clearly, this is my work, my doing, my fault. I quickly release all pins, tease the F out of it to try to get this evasive ‘volume’, and pin back a few sidepieces. It looks way better, and although the bride isn’t so sure, everyone agrees.

Despite the ‘zesty’ energy emitting from this family, there was a lesson here on being the expert. I should have provided more guidance for the hair in the beginning, trusting myself to either insist she have a professional hair stylist or lower the Snookie bump.  I should have used words like ‘elegant’ and ‘romantic’. Instead of just answering her questions, I should have offered assurances over the phone. Helped her relax a little.

Being an expert isn’t about just skills. It’s about helping and guiding your client to utilize the best of them.

Can you believe this is the shortened version?

Both men and women were shown images of models with different amounts of makeup. When only given a quarter second to glimpse the images, the subjects rated the made-up models higher in attractiveness, likability, trustworthiness, and even competence. However, when given unlimited viewing time for each image, the tables completely turned on likeability and trust.

Well duh, right? Did Harvard need to do a study when they could just watch Legally Blond or Pretty In Pink? What they need to do is a study on where tuition costs are going.

So when do frosted lips and French tips work to your advantage? Anything involving immediate return will benefit from a strong first impression. Sales is the biggest. I remember my sister maintaining perfect long red nails when she sold hospital equipment. Now that she’s a professional mom she could give a crap. Social situations involving brief first encounters are another opportunity to try out some jazzy new sparkle. Conventions, balls, bars, and horse races are fine places to powder.

Something like a psychologist, however, may benefit from more of a Bobby Brown natural look. I saw a sleep therapist for a while who would smear on this gloss that was way too cool a pink for her. It was so distracting; I contemplated bringing her an alternative as a gift. To myself.

If attractiveness is your aim, such as with performing, then more is more. Regardless of time viewed, those models in the Harvard cosmetics study with more makeup were seen as more attractive.

By the way, this issue of Psychology Today sports a ‘doodied up’ half-dressed model to accompany a headline on ending self-sabotage.