It’s Halloween Makeup Month! Rrraaaaaaar. No better way to come back from a break than with Halloween makeup postings for a month. Yes, every posting this month will be Halloween related.

This may be surprising, but I actually just saw Jersey Shore for the first time yesterday. Wow. Just wow. I predict the Jersey Shore characters to be the most popular Halloween costumes this year. Even if you don’t plan a costume ahead of time, the looks are so cheap and easy it’s totally possible to throw it together after work or school.

I’m going to focus on Angelina and Snookie since, at least in the episode I saw, they were the craziest bitches.

1. Dark wig. Go for the Cleopatra type selection. For Angelina, keep it straight and brush it into a side-part. Don’t forget to constantly tuck your bangs aside all night to stay in character. For Snookie, section out a square of hair on the crown of the wig and make a bun. Tease the strands in front of the bun and then brush them over top of it, securing with tons of hair spray. Or, with lead time you can buy an actual Snookie wig. I guess because she ‘invented the freakin’ poof’’?

2. Fake n Bake! You can slather up with fake tanner, but you may not want to have to explain the lasting effect come November…. So I say get a super cheap drug store bronzer or too dark/orange powder and go nuts with that.

3. Black eyeliner. Top and bottom. Make sure it’s nice and thick.

4. For Snookie, use a dark gray eye shadow all over the lid and frosty silver or white highlighter above the crease. For Angelina, go for blue shadow all over the lid and no highlighter.

5. Apply a pale pink lipstick like NYC’s Flirty or Fragile Pink.

6. And now for the best part, your slut gear! Nothing better than being ironically slutty, especially with bling, it’s a win-win.

You’re set to squish. I mean smash. Just don’t forget your ever-present cup of nondescript liquid.

Ok, I think I’d like to go ahead and declare maternity leave for myself now. Before I go for at least a week (who knows-maybe two or three?? I’ve never done this before…) I’d like to share my most recent product loves. They are, of course, pregnancy products but I’ve been happily surprised by their talented and cost-effective multi-purposing.

-Lansinoh nipple cream is the #1 best heavy lip balm I’ve ever used. And that’s saying a lot. Since subjecting myself to the acne medication Accutane as a teenager, I’ve tried anything emollient that won’t kill you on my chronically dry lips. Lansinoh is the shit! It’s 100% lanolin, a wax sheep produce to keep their wool nice and dry. It’s taken out of the wool when the hair is processed into textiles by squeezing it between rollers.

-I didn’t get stretch marks. I think it’s genetics or maybe diet, but everyone asks what moisturizer I use, so even though I don’t think it has anything to with it, I will pass along the suggestion. It’s 100% raw, organic shea butter straight outta Africa. I bought it at a local farmers market type deal, but here’s where to get it on the vender’s website Organic Beauty and Cultural Products. I’ve been smearing it all over the place from my face to my toes.

-This Pregnancy Tea by Traditional Medicinals 2-3 times a day will magically, joyously, rid you of restless leg syndrome. For months I thrashed and ached at night and then I started drinking the tea completely unrelated and it just disappeared. When I didn’t drink the tea, it came back. I have no idea how/what ingredient makes this happen. I do know it’s not the red raspberry ingredient because I’ve tried that on it’s own without the same effect.

Unless you try to play it off like you’re really a meth-crazed hooker, you’re seriously not going to fool anyone. As you desperately slip your mini-dressed ass into the deli at 8am on a Saturday morning for the biggest bottle of water you can get your chipped pink nail polish on, everyone knows you just did the nasty with someone you hardly know. Slut!

Such is the walk-o-shame. It is a right of passage; a sacred moment of independent womanhood marked by swollen feet shoved back into ungrateful stilettos and a defining decision of whether or not to put the undies back on. Some may see the person they leave in the morning again and again forever, and others may walk this walk so many times they have it down to a routine.

If you’re part of the latter camp, please let me know any walk-o-shame beauty tips I may have left out here. Of course, being prepared could be seen as being extra slutty, but I don’t think so. People pack extra underwear to go on vacation…why? Do they often soil themselves? Exactly. You never know.

-If you have a big enough bag, throw in a pair of flip-flops. These will come in handy on the way home regardless of what day or time. If it is morning, put the shoes in a shopping bag.

-Pack these items in your clutch or wristlet: Travel moisturizer, chap stick or lip gloss, comb, and concealer. Do wash your face or at least splash it and add the moisturizer in the morning before combing the bodily fluids out of your hair and dabbing concealer under your eyes. If you have a lipstick with you, you can tap your finger on it to get a touch of pink for your cheeks too. All together you should get some health, radiance, and dignity back into your look without carrying much.

-See if you can barrow or keep an old hoodie or jacket. You might be able to pull it off like a casual ensemble, especially if you have the flip-flops with you.

-Make sure your phone is fully charged before you go out. You might need to call a cab, or any assortment of services. The worst would be to look like a meth-crazed hooker AND have to ask a stranger to use their phone.

-And for inner beauty, be a feminist and throw a condom into the secret compartment of your bag too.

This chick’s almost there. It’s a great shot to show the importance of getting those heels in a bag. Knot that shirt in front and stow the heels (lose the weird chain belt thing too), and she’d be pretty straight.

When I was in high school a quasi-friend died in a car accident. We lived down the street from each other and would talk about personal stuff in the one class we had together, but never really hung out outside of school or anything. I was pretty sad, though, because I really liked her. And, in the last class we shared together she told me that although she knew she wanted to be with her boyfriend, who’d recently started college downtown, forever and ever she was concerned she was too young for such an idea. She wanted him and space. She died driving home from his house within a day or two of that conversation, so I felt a sense of romantic tragedy about it.

I saw him at the service and he looked tragic and handsome. Pale and grief-stricken. Yes, just like Edward Cullen. My quasi-friend, on the other hand, looked bizarre. Not because she was dead. That wasn’t the weird part. The weird part was her makeup. I still can’t shake that pale pink lipstick out of my head. She never wore makeup, had her hair dyed in more ‘punkish’ hues and sported a ton of rings and bracelets every day. Definitely not the Barbie-pink lipstick type. Since then I’ve wondered how that happened.

What does go on with mortuary makeup? I dug around a little to get the low-down.

-It’s like special effects makeup and beauty makeup in one because often reconstruction needs to be done first. Even if the person didn’t die from physical trauma, an autopsy might have removed or altered bits.

-You can’t use the same products because those made for the living are designed to work with the heat from the body. For cold skin the makeup needs to be non-thermogenic.

-Mortuary makeup artists work from pictures supplied by loved ones of the deceased. I wonder which photo my husband would choose for me? Maybe it’s a good idea to set one aside along with the organ donation preference and such.

-The mortuary makeup artist will most probably also style the hair of the deceased and dress them.

-To become a mortuary makeup artist you will want to be trained in both makeup and mortuary science to some degree. I’m finding conflicting info here so I’d contact a bunch of funeral homes in your area to find out their requirements if you’re interested. Seems some require cosmetology licensees and others don’t, etc..

-How much mortuary makeup artists make seems to vary too. Starting salary is around $27,000 with the mean around $42,000 and the top around $80,000.

-Often those with other titles will also do the makeup, such as the Embalmer or Mortician. This probably plays a part with the salary range. Mo skills, mo money.

Emily Henderson won HGTVs Design Star last night and it has me thinking: Great things do happen to great people. What comes around goes around. Karma.

Emily is a rare bird. We waited tables together at a place called Galaxy Diner, a restaurant right next to Irving Plaza in NYC, and became good friends for a minute there. We were working together when she waited on one of her favorite authors of all time. She didn’t know it until he handed her his credit card with his name on it. You could tell the writer, whose name I can’t remember (sorry), was not use to cute blond waitresses gushing over him. Emily was always making people’s day like that. She’d have flowers with her for a friend who was in a play opening that night or some hand-crafted item for someone’s birthday. She was (and obviously is) a ridiculously hard worker. She worked at the Galaxy restaurant, an upscale furniture showroom in Soho, AND bartended at a Lower East Side bar. When I needed cash she’d hook me up with her jobs too. I cocktailed at the bar (I think it was called Sixes and Eights), and tended bar for her showroom’s party. For my birthday she gave me three amazing vintage clutches that I still use AND brought tons of booze over. What a gal.

I’m not sure how we lost touch, but I am pretty sure it was my fault. No one of her coolness level could be blamed for such a thing – plus I never gave her awesome clutches. But as I sit here, pissed at my cable company for inexplicably going out of service when the show aired last night, I am so freakin proud of Emily. To me she is a reminder, an inspiration if you will, that there is something to that being a good person thing. That if you stick to who you are, and give people kindnesses, and work hard at finding a way to love what you’re doing…. Amazing things can happen. Maybe not like getting your own TV show amazing, but things to make life even better. Good job winning Design Star, Emily. I’m totally going to watch your show and use as many of your design tips as my condo will accommodate.

Not the best pic, but here we are: