As long as there’s been man, if you call neanderthals man, there has been a thriving beauty product market. We’ve learned from our mistakes (and back-peddled too) over the years trying to reshape our appearance. Here are some of the more hilarious beauty devices. I wonder if future people will find cutting up and stitching back together faces to be archaic and weird?

This Max Factor device was intended to measure beauty, scientifically. What I want to know is… What were you supposed to do with your measurement? I think these ’scientists’ just wanted to be able to cage and poke pretty girls.

This lip stencil actually seems like it could be useful if you’re going for a one-lip-shape-fits-all Lucille Ball type look.

This dimple-making device seems very well intentioned and pretty logical. If we had play dough faces. Which would be kind of awesome.

See, now this is just playing to every woman’s denial of reason when propositioned with a too good to be true beauty answer. Satisfying shakes as meals anyone?

This nose-shaper promises another binding technique. I have to admit that as a child I entertained the idea that if I taped my ears back for long enough they’d stay that way.

The funniest thing is that if it weren’t for current advertising and consumer protection laws we’d probably still be buying some of these products out of hopeful desperation. But everyone looking the same is so boring it isn’t even pretty. Can you even remember the exact look of the last big-titted blond bombshell you saw? No way, because they’re not memorable. When I modeled I’d hate when hairstylists slicked my hair back because those darn ears would poing out. If I said anything though, without a doubt, either the photographer or art director or whoever would say, ‘Oh we love your ears. We booked you for those ears. They’re so cute.’ So, ha! Embrace that nose, ass, ears…. because it’s yours.

But I still won’t wear my hair slicked back.